The Hole Of You

The loss starts with everything,
touched walls, sunsets, accumulated belongings
blend and blur to make the shape of absence.
The whole of the things you left
Is now the hole of you. A portal dedicated
to memory and shock and the time spent thinking
"What's the worst that could happen?"
Question answered, curiosity satisfied, we get it.
Please come home. Not that you can, but please.
We make bargains, it's a stage we're told
in codified grief, we handle things in stages
barely standing on a thin platform above chaos.
It's a maelstrom, this hole of you,
pulling at our boots and hearts with ease,
weighed down with the loss of everything you were.
We numb ourselves and push forward.
There's paperwork to do, and for all of the papers
there are no words describing you to us or us to you.
How could they?
The bond was more than what could be listed on paper
and now it's been shut off at one end
And the maelstrom that is the hole of you
Starts pulling again, the paperwork grief
becomes a part of the shape of your absence.
By a step, we are further away.
We're not far enough, our skin going red and raw
from pushing ourselves to move ever forward.
We keep pushing, numbing ourselves more
There are things to do that need to be done
gathering your things, sorting what to keep
So we have it out in rage and in sadness,
codified grief, but there is no final stage
Just over-recording of a fading cassette.
Storms come and storms go and we push through them
And sometimes we cry out because we have to
because we can't ignore it forever
And what can be donated, we give, spreading you out
and offering a little piece of you to the world
touching someone you didn't know.
Piece by piece the hole of you
shrinks into photographs, home movies,
knick-knacks and books and things we keep close.
And your final resting home is not final,
There is still memory and nature and the ripples
of effect and affection that outlive us all
It is the ripple and echo of memory,
a smile, a laugh, a trace scent for sense memory
That becomes the whole of you